Eratosthenes, the Queerest of Crows

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

I’ve always loved the word queer, but these days, I love it more than ever. As I wrote in my journal years ago, “it’s so wonderfully vague.” I’ve never been particularly keen on labels, probably inherited that from my mum. But even though I don’t like to label myself, I still find it meaningful, and even essential, to identify myself as part of this community. I tend to be quite private with how I view myself, who I’m attracted to and how I perceive my gender. I’ve been hesitantly identifying as non-binary for the last two and a half years, but I’ve recently gone back to identifying as a woman. If I had to label myself beyond being queer, I’ve come to have some fondness for the word sapphic. At the end of the day though, nothing’s changed. I’ve come to understand myself a bit better through some necessary self-exploration, but I’m still just me. I’m queer, and I love that, the simplicity and vagueness of it.

Pinned Post queer sapphic lesbian LGBT+ labels queer identity
hyperdemona
gougarfem

i buzzed my hair today and i feel incredible. everyone was so unsupportive, telling me I'd look unattractive (god fucking forbid) or that i should try a pixie cut instead, asking if i'm going back to my "boy phase" etc... i was so nervous and convinced it would look horrible but actually it suits me really well and i feel so much freer and instantly so confident. like, my mum won't even look me in the eyes but for once i don't care about what people think!! i'm so happy with it and if you're considering cutting/shaving your hair DO IT!! it's practical, attractive and fun to run your hands through lol

hyperdemona

Mine used to be short and practical even though it made me look like a teenage boy, but since it's grown its causing me a lot of sensory issues and a little bit of anxiety/ocd even when it refuses to fit neatly under a hairband. Maybe I should get it cut again.

eratosthenesthequeerestofcrows

I’ve had mine short a couple of times. Firstly, when I was a young teen and had just come out as a lesbian, this was to do with others’ perceptions. Then I went short again last year because I wanted to give it another for myself, back when I was still identifying as non-binary. I’m growing it out again because I think I kind of prefer that for myself aesthetically, but it’s so much more practical when it’s short. And sensory-wise, so much better. I’ll probably either go for bobs again, or maybe I’ll try to let it get long enough for braids. The great thing about cutting your hair short is that you either like it, or if you don’t, you can just let it grow back.

hyperdemona
vifetoile

In fond allusion to this post:

All my female ancestors watching over me like "Look at her... she has time to study art and politics and history... she spends her time writing stories that mean something to her..."

"She can take a pill for pain whenever she wants! A mysterious thing called Advil that eases the Curse of Eve!"

"Forget Eve, our great-great granddaughter doesn't have to go to Mass three times a week! She can say what she thinks!"

"She only sews and bakes when she wants to, when she wants to make beautiful things!"

"Thirty-three and she's young and strong, not saddled with babies and family members to take care of... she's taking care of herself and helping out her parents too--- that's our girl! That's OUR GIRL!"

A Timeline of Figuring Myself Out Through My Journal Entries

I feel the need to preface this post with the acknowledgement that my journals are my safe places, where I can write whatever dumb things come to my mind, whether I actually think the thing or not. It’s a place where I test ideas. Thus, I’m not providing any commentary on what I wrote, even if I don’t agree with the sentiment. Anyway, I find it really fascinating to look through my journals to see how far I’ve come, to see my thoughts as I’ve worked at figuring myself out.

13 and 1 month: I get into an argument with my homophobic friend

“He and I got in an argument about lesbian/gay. He said the bible said it was wrong. I don’t really care what the bibal says. He has to understan there are other religians. He has to respect other religians.”

13 and 2 months: I begin suspecting I’m a lesbian

“It’s the second time gay has been brought up. I am all for gay people.”

“I think I’m a lesbian. I don’t know 100%, but I’m 90% sure I’m a lesbian. I’m not attracted to dudes. I like girls, I’m sure.”

“Lesbians are awesome. My uncle was homosexual and he was fantastic. I didn’t know him though.”

13 and 4 months: Still questioning

“I could be bi, but I don’t think so. Boys, no. Girls, yes.”

“I don’t know who I am. I like girls, some sports, and video games, so I could be a boy. I don’t think Mum would like that. I don’t care if I’m a boy or a girl. I know I like girls. I don’t want breasts or a period. Though no one likes their period. I don’t want a gender, no penis no breasts. I’m gonna research ‘no gender’.”

13 and 5 months: I come out to myself as gay, but there’s still some questioning

“I know 1 thing, I’m positively gay.”

“I like girls, so I’m practically a dude. I couldn’t care less if I was a boy or a girl. Either way, it’s just my body.”

13 and a half: I begin coming out

“I told my brother! I am so happy. I feel so relieved.”

“I know 1000% sure. I am gay, a lesbian, I like girls.”

“I’m 176% lesbian. I AM GAY.”

“I told Mum this morning. It was hard cause I couldn’t stop laughing. She said she was good with whatever I was and joked that she’s glad I won’t get teenage pregnant.”

“I’m going to ask dad about his thoughts on 'Gay’.”

“I know I’m not straight, but I’m still afraid. It would be so embarrassing if I was straight. I know I’m gay.”

“It’s like I’ll never belong. It makes me feel like crying. I feel like I’m not meant to exist. I feel like the only one! I know I’m not, but I still feel that way. I feel alone.”

14 and 1 month: I come out to my dad

“I came out to my dad in an email. He says he’s worried about mean people.”

18 and 5 months: I conclude I must be non-binary

“I don’t feel like a woman, not really. So, I’m pretty sure I’m non-binary, maybe agender because I don’t think of myself as gendered.”

18 and a half: I come out as non-binary

“Came out as non-binary…I admit I’m still conflicted. Maybe I could get past this dysphoria and identify as a woman. Been talking to this woman I look up to that detransitioned. I’m not sure what path is right for me (obviously no medical transitioning in the near future). I don’t know what I think yet. I’m content with this for now.”

19 and 5 months: Some doubts

“These days I have no clue what labels to use. Nonbinary or woman, no clue. Man, imagine someone reading this journal. An alien finds it and reads it after human extinction.”

20 and 3 months: More questioning

“This is why I like queer. It’s vague but clear as to what group I’m a part of. Doesn’t deal with all the confusingly specific labels.

20 and 4 months: I go to a gender group and more questioning

"I think I’ll get more comfortable there, but right now it’s new, confusing, and kind of overwhelming. It’s different than just a queer group, feels so gender specific. Whereas I’d quite like to not acknowledge gender and society and just go be a bog monster or forest witch. And like I want to be a cis woman, even though I’m not, so I feel like a traitor when I’m there for not wanting to be non-binary. And like I always feel like a traitor to women too since I ought to be one of them. What’s so wrong with being a woman? I think I need to go off social media again. Just think about this without any external influences.”

20 and 9 months: I discover that most of the women I know don’t actually feel like women

20 and 10 months: I watch Women Talking and finally come to terms with the fact that I really do want to be a woman

20 and 11 months: I tell my mum that I don’t think I would be non-binary if I wasn’t autistic

Just about 21: I get covid and, stuck at home, I analyze all of my thinking on my gender and come to what feels like a very sudden and surreal conclusion, that “I am a woman.” I begin “coming out” again.

21 and 2 months: I come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian, but I’m still working on being comfortable calling myself such.

I think it’s fascinating to see how my understanding of my gender and sexuality has grown and changed over time. I know that I always say this, but I don’t regret any of it. To me, every aspect of this timeline is important and necessary. If I hadn’t thought I was non-binary for a couple of years, well, I don’t think I’d be where I’m at in terms of being happy as a gay woman.

queer lgbt+ lesbian sapphic detransition detrans personal

Women Talking is definitely one of my favourite movies. It’s just a phenomenal film, but my attachment to it goes beyond that. Reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime was what started me on the journey towards finding out that I’m autistic. Watching Women Talking was kind of like that. It was the first time that I thought, “I want to be a woman.” For context, I’d considered myself to be agender for the last two and a half years. Given the subject matter of the film, it might seem like a strange realization to have while watching it. But I think it was me seeing these strong, individual women working together to deal with such a horrific situation that brought about this realization. Looking up to these fictional women, it made me realize that I did want to be a woman. That being said, this realization took me beyond the film as well. It really made me think of my female ancestors. It also made me think a lot about my female relatives that came forward when I was little to keep me safe from the man that harmed them. It all came together to form this realization. I didn’t decide that I was going to socially detransition (fortunately, I’d only ever socially transitioned) right away. That would happen a month later and be this really surreal experience. I started thinking about it a lot though, making sense of my feelings and thoughts. I’d always had the idea in the back of my mind that I might go back to being a woman one day. It wasn’t something I actively thought about, but I always considered it to be an option. The way I see it, considering myself to be non-binary for a couple of years was a necessary stepping stone between girl and woman for me. And it was some great exploration that I don’t regret in the least (I know that, having only socially transitioned, my experience is vastly different to those who medically transitioned as well). It was good at first, just what I needed. And later the identity started feeling claustrophobic. And then, I watched Women Talking. Finally, I was ready to begin processing the decision that I knew was coming. That’s why Women Talking means so so much to me.

women talking detransition detrans I don't really like the word detransition since it seems to imply I'm going backwards and I know my experience is vastly different than someone that medically transitioned I've heard the word desisted for folks that socially detransition but that feels even more like I'm going backwards and that seems to have more of a political connotation to it that I don't like
hyperdemona
minestuck

alternate title: young children gawk at flaming homosexuals

cursed-mike-vining

Another alternate title: the bailey school kids need to mind their own damn business

marzipanandminutiae

the covers with women are equally gay

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so basically having these obnoxious kids pry into your personal life is mlm/wlw solidarity

gwenthelumberjane

So am i the only one thinkinf the ghoul looks cute asf or

peterjay-88

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Seriously…every cover is like this

scumtrout

you either die a bailey school kid or you live long enough to see yourself become the gay cryptid.

scoobycool9

Also in case anyone wants to know the best part of the books, it’s that whatever creature they are on the cover is 100% revealed to be a truth by the end.

inneskeeper

In other news is the camp counselor single? asking for a me

positivityforlesbians
positivityforlesbians

One thing about me is I love the word lesbian. Lesbian lesbian lesbian. I hear this word I see beauty, I feel the sun, warmth, lesbian laughters, community, courage, strength. We are made to hate our very self, our homosexuality, so you think they aren't pushing us to hate the word lesbian as well ? That you just happen to hate it ? No babe this is no coincidence and the minute you learn it the minute you begin to create space for reconciliation. You will grow to not just tolerate but accept and love the word lesbian. I am a lesbian. You are a lesbian. We are lesbians. This word sounds good and fun, enjoyable. It's specific. Rock solid. We are not defined by vagueness and being some type of weird.

I am proud to be a lesbian and each one of us deserve to feel comfortable and proud as a lesbian, if it feels like a punch in the face to others it's because of how offensive our existence is to them, and we internalise that, sometimes even rejecting the most visible of us. How it was used against us by little shits who deserve nothing but sadness in their life doesn't determine the destiny of the word lesbian nor should make us ashamed in any form. No "queer" for me thank you, yes to lesbian, yes to visibility, yes to being clear, yes to making homophobes feel small and shaking in their boots when faced with the existence of lesbians, we are not going to hide anywhere. Anyway, just ... LESBIANS ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

eratosthenesthequeerestofcrows

When I was 13 and came out for the first time, I came out as gay because I didn’t like the word lesbian. I blamed it on the fact that I found lesbian confusing, whether it was “lesbian” or “a lesbian”. I think that was fueled by the idea that if I’m “a something” that is my entire identity, whereas if I’m just “something”, it’s only an aspect of my identity. There’s, of course, way more to it than that.

Now, I love the word queer. I know a lot of folks don’t, and I completely understand that. Growing up, queer was pretty much the only word that I didn’t hear in a derogatory sense. Lesbian was the first word I heard in that way, later gay, dyke, and other words that aren’t mine to reclaim. For whatever reason though, it was never queer that was used where I grew up. I think that’s a large aspect of why I prefer to call myself queer. Then there’s the fact that I really hate labelling myself if I don’t have to. On a technical level, I’m a lesbian, but I have a tendency to avoid labelling such unless it’s necessary. And then there’s the last reason, which is that I’m a fairly private person. And I don’t like most folks irl knowing my business. So, queer feels wonderfully vague to me, a way to identify myself as part of the community without having to pinpoint exactly how for folks I don’t know that well.

All of that being said, I’m working on this. And I’m very much aware that my reasons feel a lot like excuses to avoid calling myself what I am. I’m probably always going to be fond of the word queer, but I want to be fond of the word lesbian as well. I’ve become fairly enamoured with the word sapphic, which I think is progress. I think this is one of those posts I’m going to frequently look back at. It makes the word lesbian feel good and powerful. So, thank you.