I feel the need to preface this post with the acknowledgement that my journals are my safe places, where I can write whatever dumb things come to my mind, whether I actually think the thing or not. It’s a place where I test ideas. Thus, I’m not providing any commentary on what I wrote, even if I don’t agree with the sentiment. Anyway, I find it really fascinating to look through my journals to see how far I’ve come, to see my thoughts as I’ve worked at figuring myself out.
13 and 1 month: I get into an argument with my homophobic friend
“He and I got in an argument about lesbian/gay. He said the bible said it was wrong. I don’t really care what the bibal says. He has to understan there are other religians. He has to respect other religians.”
13 and 2 months: I begin suspecting I’m a lesbian
“It’s the second time gay has been brought up. I am all for gay people.”
“I think I’m a lesbian. I don’t know 100%, but I’m 90% sure I’m a lesbian. I’m not attracted to dudes. I like girls, I’m sure.”
“Lesbians are awesome. My uncle was homosexual and he was fantastic. I didn’t know him though.”
13 and 4 months: Still questioning
“I could be bi, but I don’t think so. Boys, no. Girls, yes.”
“I don’t know who I am. I like girls, some sports, and video games, so I could be a boy. I don’t think Mum would like that. I don’t care if I’m a boy or a girl. I know I like girls. I don’t want breasts or a period. Though no one likes their period. I don’t want a gender, no penis no breasts. I’m gonna research ‘no gender’.”
13 and 5 months: I come out to myself as gay, but there’s still some questioning
“I know 1 thing, I’m positively gay.”
“I like girls, so I’m practically a dude. I couldn’t care less if I was a boy or a girl. Either way, it’s just my body.”
13 and a half: I begin coming out
“I told my brother! I am so happy. I feel so relieved.”
“I know 1000% sure. I am gay, a lesbian, I like girls.”
“I’m 176% lesbian. I AM GAY.”
“I told Mum this morning. It was hard cause I couldn’t stop laughing. She said she was good with whatever I was and joked that she’s glad I won’t get teenage pregnant.”
“I’m going to ask dad about his thoughts on 'Gay’.”
“I know I’m not straight, but I’m still afraid. It would be so embarrassing if I was straight. I know I’m gay.”
“It’s like I’ll never belong. It makes me feel like crying. I feel like I’m not meant to exist. I feel like the only one! I know I’m not, but I still feel that way. I feel alone.”
14 and 1 month: I come out to my dad
“I came out to my dad in an email. He says he’s worried about mean people.”
18 and 5 months: I conclude I must be non-binary
“I don’t feel like a woman, not really. So, I’m pretty sure I’m non-binary, maybe agender because I don’t think of myself as gendered.”
18 and a half: I come out as non-binary
“Came out as non-binary…I admit I’m still conflicted. Maybe I could get past this dysphoria and identify as a woman. Been talking to this woman I look up to that detransitioned. I’m not sure what path is right for me (obviously no medical transitioning in the near future). I don’t know what I think yet. I’m content with this for now.”
19 and 5 months: Some doubts
“These days I have no clue what labels to use. Nonbinary or woman, no clue. Man, imagine someone reading this journal. An alien finds it and reads it after human extinction.”
20 and 3 months: More questioning
“This is why I like queer. It’s vague but clear as to what group I’m a part of. Doesn’t deal with all the confusingly specific labels.
20 and 4 months: I go to a gender group and more questioning
"I think I’ll get more comfortable there, but right now it’s new, confusing, and kind of overwhelming. It’s different than just a queer group, feels so gender specific. Whereas I’d quite like to not acknowledge gender and society and just go be a bog monster or forest witch. And like I want to be a cis woman, even though I’m not, so I feel like a traitor when I’m there for not wanting to be non-binary. And like I always feel like a traitor to women too since I ought to be one of them. What’s so wrong with being a woman? I think I need to go off social media again. Just think about this without any external influences.”
20 and 9 months: I discover that most of the women I know don’t actually feel like women
20 and 10 months: I watch Women Talking and finally come to terms with the fact that I really do want to be a woman
20 and 11 months: I tell my mum that I don’t think I would be non-binary if I wasn’t autistic
Just about 21: I get covid and, stuck at home, I analyze all of my thinking on my gender and come to what feels like a very sudden and surreal conclusion, that “I am a woman.” I begin “coming out” again.
21 and 2 months: I come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian, but I’m still working on being comfortable calling myself such.
I think it’s fascinating to see how my understanding of my gender and sexuality has grown and changed over time. I know that I always say this, but I don’t regret any of it. To me, every aspect of this timeline is important and necessary. If I hadn’t thought I was non-binary for a couple of years, well, I don’t think I’d be where I’m at in terms of being happy as a gay woman.